


A Wedding Minus One

by UAs_Fics



Category: South Park
Genre: Multi, One-Shot, Stick of Truth AU, Written in 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22653178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UAs_Fics/pseuds/UAs_Fics
Summary: A great day has finally arrived, the true end to the war between humans and elves, the wedding between Elf King Kyle and human Shield maiden Wendy. It is a glorious occasion, for all but the bride, groom, and best man.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Kudos: 44





	A Wedding Minus One

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2018 and completely forgot about it. :)

~~~~~

Bebe narrowed her eyes, standing in the doorway. "You need to leave," She ordered. "The groom can't see the bride before she walks down the aisle. It's bad luck."

"That's a human thing. I don't believe in that," The elf king commented as he tried to slip past her, to no avail. King Kyle set his jaw and met Bebe's eyes. He shirked back. Both she and Kyle knew if she wanted, she could physically remove him with ease.

Kyle took a breath. "I just need to ask her something. Bebe, please." He hated that he had to resort to begging, but this was an important matter. Bebe eyed him up and down a moment then rolled her eyes.

"You're lucky I like watching you from behind." She took a step inside the room, allowing Kyle inside. Her gaze lingered on his rear a moment, then she grabbed hold of his shoulder in an iron grip. He nearly stumbled backwards with the force of his sudden stop.

"If you so much as get _one_ hair out of place, the elves will need a new king for a few months--got it?" 

Kyle nodded stiffly. It took much of his resolve not to hastily scurry away from her farther into the room. Confident with her threat, Bebe took her leave. She shut the door, but her shadow remained to block some of the light from the bottom. She didn't expect him to stay there long.

A giggle tore his thoughts away from Bebe. He turned and his eyes went wide. 

Wendy sat at a vanity, hands resting in her lap. She wore a pale cream colored dress that hugged her torso before billowing out into a long train at the hips. A knit shall with baby blue accent draped across her shoulders and a chainmail belt with small multicolored stones attached between the chain links across her waist.

Kyle forced his mouth shut and swallowed hard.

"You look beautiful," He said, walking over to her.

She flashed him a smile. "You look quite handsome as well. So that is the marriage robe your mother when on and on about." Wendy gestured to the green and gold robe. She reached out and ran a finger along the delicate stitching embroidered on the sleeves. 

"It's stuffy, and doesn't have pockets," Kyle replied dryly. 

"There are other places to hold your things, besides your pockets." Wendy reached down the front her dress and produced a small, worn throwing knife. Seeing the shock on Kyle's face, she quickly added, "It's my something borrowed. I'm borrowing it from Heidi."

Kyle pulled at his over sized sleeves, tugging them so they covered most of his fingers. "You...don't have any more hidden about do you?"

"I think that's something you'll just have to find out after the wedding," She teased. Kyle tried to smile, but it was strained. Wendy saw this and heaved a sigh.

Placing the knife back inside her dress, she asked, "How's Stan? You're the first person Bebe's let in all day."

Kyle shook his head. "I don't know. I haven't seen him since this morning at breakfast--and even then I was preoccupied with Mom fussing and Dad forcing me to go over my vows again. I barely had time to talk to him." Kyle crossed his arms then rested against the vanity.

A wedding is a joyous occasion, especially a royal wedding. The one between the duke and duchess of the Northern Elf kingdom caused celebrations that lasted for nearly a week afterward, even among those who did not hold any connections to the Northern Elf Kingdom. Kyle could clearly recall the tears in Prince Ike's eyes as he watched the duchess march down the aisle. He wondered if Ike would cry when Wendy walked past him the same way.

A sigh escaped his lips. Weddings were supposed to be joyous, and for much of the kingdoms, that was true of this one as well. Kyle and Wendy's holy union would mark the first time in more than a thousand years that one with no elf blood would sit upon the throne. Many believed this wedding would be counted as the true end of the war between elves and humans. 

For the most part, Wendy and Kyle kept up appearances. They walked close, hand in hand. They would whisper in each other's ears and smile and laugh. They pressed kisses onto the other's cheeks and lips. From the outside, it would have been impossible to tell the sadness this wedding brought them.

Wendy glanced up at Kyle. "Lean down," She ordered. Kyle did so and Wendy pushed back some of his curly red hair from his face. She smiled, cupping his cheeks. "We need to keep smiling. Remember, this was Stan's idea. He suggested it. As far as I am concerned, no matter who has whose ring on whose finger, this wedding is between all of us."

Kyle placed his hand over hers. "I know. I just wish it didn't have to be like this," He muttered. He pressed his lips against the heel of her palm. Wendy's palms were calloused from her training as a shieldmaiden. There had been some attempts in recent weeks to smooth out her palms, but it seemed to little avail. 

She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his. "Me too. Me too." They stayed like that a moment, eyes shut, before Kyle stood back up. 

"I need to get back before Mom starts to worry that I got cold feet." He walked towards the door but paused a moment and sent Wendy one last smile. "I love you."

"I love you too." She returned the grin with one of her own. "And we both love Stan."

"Yes," Kyle sighed, "we do."

~~~~~~~

The best man paced back around the fountain. Stan knew he was supposed to be helping in the main hall. He should be there greeting guests in Kyle's place as courtiers and nobles from around Zaron ushered themselves in for the biggest wedding in decades. He should be checking on Kyle, making sure the king had everything he would need for the ceremony. He should be doing a lot of things, but he couldn't.

Stan had tried to do what was expected of him as both Royal Guard to the Elf King and as best man. He really did, but he just couldn't. Yes, the wedding had been his idea in the first place, but now that it was upon them, his chest couldn't stop aching. 

He groaned then slumped down against the fountain. He stared up at the sky and watched the clouds float idly by. It was almost noon, almost time for the ceremony. Almost time to see the loves of his life be bound together by the highest holy man the humans had then turn around and be blessed by the highest druid among elves. And he would just be standing by, praying he was able to be tied together with them.

A hand fell firmly on Stan's shoulder and he jumped, nearly drawing his sword. 

King Douchebag crouched beside him, a puzzled look on his face.

"You're majesty!" Stan gasped. He nearly scrambled up to properly bow, but King Douchebag's hand kept him in place. The King dropped his hand after a moment then sat down on the edge of the fountain. 

Stan relaxed after a heartbeat. It was hard to stay tense around King Douchebag. He had an air around him that lent itself to soothing anger and fostering friendships. Stan pushed himself up so he was sitting with his back pressed against the side of the fountain. He and the king stayed like that for a time, watching the clouds and listening to the water in the fountain. They were just far enough away from the main hall that much of the noise of the wedding guests was lost.

Though his heart still ached, Stan felt the pressing thoughts in his head quiet. 

This wedding was for the best. A human--and probably halfling eventually--on the elf throne would bring the kingdoms together after the war. Wendy would make an amazing queen. She was smart and caring and her skills on battle had more than proven her valor. A strong presence like hers beside Kyle would quickly quell any ideas of an uprising.

Even then, it's not as though Kyle or Wendy would leave him forever. It had been a tad ironic, looking back. Before Stan and Wendy were the most open about their relationship with each other, as there had been no reason for them to hide it. Stan did not come from a particularly noble family. It had only been his father's friendship with the previous reigning king that allowed him to gain the ranks he did. Given all that, Stan attempting to court and woo a human was barely given a passing glance by most people.

It had been his and Kyle's relationship that he had to be most careful about. If certain people found out that the Elf King was courting not only someone so low on nobility as Stan, but someone who wouldn't be able to bear an heir, Kyle could have been outed from the throne and his younger brother, Prince Ike, placed upon it instead.

But for the last year or so, he had to act like he didn't care deeply for either of them as they were openly touchy and romantic with each other. For a month or so last winter, he had been so sure that they really were going to leave him for each other, he had nearly fallen back into his drinking habit again. He remembered when he finally worked up the courage to tell him what he was feeling about it. They both went out of their way to do small, almost unnoticeable, gestures towards him to make him feel included.

"Oh, there you are, your majesty." 

Stan was pulled from his revery by the Wizard King Cartman. Cartman eyed Stan before turning his attention to King Douchebag fully. "The Ceremony is starting soon and I noticed you weren't in your seat. I thought perhaps you had finally see the err in this union, but I suppose I'm wrong."

Stan glared. "There is no 'err' when people love each other. Not that you would know about that."

Had it been any other royalty, Stan would have held his tongue, but he lost the little respect he had for Cartman when he had gone out of his way to object the wedding and try to stop it. Wendy, Kyle, and Stan even had a running bet going over the real reason Cartman was so against it. Wendy bet that Cartman was jealous and she was positive he held some sort of affections towards Kyle; Stan bet it was just Cartman's prejudices against any nonhuman being rearing its head while Kyle claimed it had to because Cartman just couldn't stand to see Kyle happy.

Cartman returned Stan's glare. "At least the love of my life wasn't stolen away from me by someone I considered a friend." Cartman's face twisted up in a sneer. Before Stan could do something he would regret, King Douchebag stepped between him and Cartman. He frowned at Cartman and met his gaze with a stern look. Cartman chewed his lip a moment then back down.

"The wedding is soon. You should get to your seat," He grumbled as he turned and marched back towards the main hall. King Douchebag shook his head then sent a sympathetic smile towards Stan. 

"Thank you, King Douchebag," Stan gave a small bow. "Please, let me escort you to your seat."

~~~~~~~~

"Bebe, it's fine!" Wendy rolled her eyes as Bebe fussed over her dress.

"This is my best friend's wedding, and I am damn sure you're going to look perfect!" Bebe snapped her fingers. "Annie, the satchel." Bebe took the satchel of potpourri from Annie and fixed it to Wendy's belt. The smell of flowers wafted around them as she did so. 

Finally, Bebe stood. She clasped her hands together.

"Oh, Annie, can you believe it? One day your fighting side by side against an army of the undead with a girl and the next you're getting ready to walk her down the aisle and let her marry the finest piece of ass you've ever seen." Bebe covered her mouth with her hands. "I think I'm gonna cry." She leaned against Annie, who already had tears in her eyes.

"Don't you dare!" Wendy ordered. "If you cry, I know I will, too, and all the effort you put into this makeup will be for nothing."

"Oh my God, you're right." Bebe took a deep breath. She fanned herself with her hands. "I'm alright. I'm just so happy for you."

"We all are," Annie chimed in. "To think a girl from our tribe would be marrying a king." Wendy laughed, but it was half-hearted. Annie frowned, about to comment, when a knocking came from the door. 

Bebe groaned as she marched over. "I swear if it's Kyle again I'm not letting him in. He can ogle my handiwork from the alter!" She pulled open the door. "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"

"Greetings, Ms. Stevens," Stan's voice carried from the door. "The wedding is starting in a few minutes, and I'm here to escort the bride to the main hall."

"What? Why?" Bebe asked.

"It's a tradition among elves that the best man ensures the bride makes it to the wedding room."

"Why? Do Elf women die on the way there or something?"

"Kidnapped, actually."

Bebe just shook her head. She turned on her heels and allowed Stan to come inside. "Come on, Annie. Let's get to our places." Annie hurried over and followed Bebe out the door. 

Stan and Wendy stood five steps from each other. He had seen Wendy in her wedding gown before, but she was no less breathtaking than before. He swallowed. He felt he should say something, but couldn't think of anything. So instead, Stan ran his thumb over the inlaid mother of pearl on his sword. 

"Does that really happen?" Wendy broke the silence. "The kidnapping thing?"

"Yeah, it used to happen a lot. If you didn't like someone, you kidnapped the bride. It's not commonplace any more but," Stan took two steps, "I wanted to see you before the ceremony. You look amazing."

"Thank you." Wendy closed the gap between them. She rested her hands against his chest. She sighed. "Stan, are you sure you are going to be alright with this. Bebe said she had a plan that would 'postpone' the wedding another few months if I had cold feet. I can't promise it wouldn't involve fire and bloodshed, but maybe if we all keep looking we can find a loophole and--"

"We've been looking for more than a year now, Wendy." Stan cut in. "There is no loophole that would allow for more than two people to marry. The only reason you and Kyle can wed is because of a small asterisk on a piece of paper more than three hundred years old." 

Wendy pursed her lips. He was right. Wendy wasn't royalty. She had no right to any throne, no matter how far back in her lineage they went. If not for an addendum to marriage law that allowed for royalty to marry someone of non-royal status only if that person had both proven themselves in battle and saved the royals life, their plan would have fallen apart from the start.

"Besides," Stan gently tilted Wendy's face up, "I think I've completely resigned myself to the fact I'll be you and Kyle's personal shared concubine." He chuckled and she smiled at him. 

"Stan..." Wendy stood on her toes and pressed a kiss to his lips, "Thank you."

"Come on, once I deliver you to your bridesmaids, I need to haul ass up to the alter by Kyle." He took a step back and held out his arm. "Let's go, Queen Brofloski."

~~~~~~

"Oh, Gerald," Queen Sheila wiped her eyes, "Look at our handsome little man. It seems like yesterday I was teaching you to walk and now my baby is getting married and going to be having babies of his own." 

Kyle blushed. "Mom, the wedding starting in a few minutes, you and Dad need to take your seats."

King Gerald put a hand on his son's shoulder. "We will. We will. But first, do you have your vows memorized, and you know what to do?"

"For the hundredth time, yes. I know my vows, I know when to step towards Wendy, I know when to pray, I _know_." Kyle stressed. "Now, please, take your seats." Nodding, King Gerlad started to lead Kyle's bawling mother away from the alter to the first row of seats where he sat her down next to Prince Ike, who looked absolutely bored. 

For a moment, it crossed Kyle's mind to go tell his brother to perk up and be as excited for this wedding as the last one, but he quickly banished the idea when King Douchebag entered the room. Spotting him, King Douchebag walked over. Kyle bowed.

"Your Majesty." He greeted. "I thank you greatly for coming to bless my wedding with your presence. It means much to my bride, myself, and my people."

King Douchebag nodded. He fixed Kyle with a long stare. Kyle held the gaze for a moment before he had to look away. King Douchebag was a man of few words, but his gaze spoke more than any words ever could. The king knew this wasn't the wedding Kyle had dreamed of, and he was sorry.

"It will be alright. This is how it has to be, for the betterment of our kingdoms." Kyle whispered. King Douchebag sighed before turning and left for his seat.

"Don't you have an alter to be standing next to?" 

Kyle jumped and turn to see Stan beside him. "Where have you been?" Kyle demanded. 

"Recently? I was escorting your bride, protecting her from any of your enemies who may wish you ill will." Stan glanced over at Cartman who was trying to look interested in whatever the old noble next to him was saying. 

Kyle chuckled. "I have the utmost confidence anyone who dared tried to kidnap her would be met with swift retribution from her alone." He started towards the alter as he continued, "I know she has at least one blade hidden on her person."

Stan laughed and shook his head. "You're going to have a fun night tonight, my king." 

As they took the steps towards the alter, Kyle lowered his voice and whispered into Stan's ear. "I wouldn't turn down help making sure I find them all tonight if you wanted to volunteer." Before Stan could do more than blush, Kyle strode past him to his place right of the clergyman. Stan barely had time to scramble beside Kyle when the music began. 

Everyone stood and turned as the door of the main hall was opened. Members of the warrior tribe marched in. All of them wore decorative armor and had their swords at the ready, as was tradition. once they came to the end of the aisle, they turned and marched to the sides of the altar. With great flourish, they sheathed their weapons. 

A little girl kyle didn't know came skipping down the aisle then, throwing flower petals around with reckless abandon followed by the ring bearer, a son that Kyle's cousin had somehow been able to produce, walked down the aisle, trembling. He prayed the little boy didn't drop the rings or wet his pants. Once the two children had made their way to the end, the basket of flower petals and the rings were taken from them and one of Wendy's bridesmaids ushered the children back to their parents.

Finally, the bride entered the room. 

Wendy didn't have a father. Much like all the other shieldmaidens in her tribe, she was sent to train at a young age and was adopted fully into the tribe as a member of the family. So, instead of her father, it was traditional for the warrior's closest friend to be the one to escort her. Bebe beamed with pride as she led Wendy in.

From beside him, Kyle heard something like a single, small, stifled sob. With everyone's eyes on Wendy, he moved his hand over and tapped his fingers against Stan's. He wished he could do more to reassure him, but anything else would be too obvious. 

Bebe took Wendy up the steps. Kyle turned and held his hands out, palms up, and Bebe took Wendy's hands from her arm and gently set them in Kyle's.

"We led her from our family into yours," Bebe recited.

"And I shall take her in and treat her as my own," Kyle replied back. with that, Bebe took her place mirror from Stan's, her hands behind her back. 

the clergyman raised his hand then announced. "You may be seated." 

As everyone took their seats, Kyle whispered, "You ready for this?"

"As I'll ever be," Wendy whispered back. 

The clergyman cleared his throat then opened his book. "We are gathered here today to join Kyle Brofloski, King of All Elves, and Wendy Testaburger, Shieldmadian of the Warrior Tribe, in forever in holy union. If anyone has a reason these two should not be wed, please speak now or forever hold your...oh, my..." the clergyman trailed off his eyes wide as the crowd gasped and began to whisper amongst themselves.

Kyle furrowed his brow and swung his head around. He expected Cartman or one of the older nobles to be the ones to try to object, but instead what he saw made the color drain from his face and his skin go cold.

King Douchebag held his hand above his head. 

"Y-Your Majesty. You have an objection?" the clergyman trembled. 

Slowly, King Douchebag stood. He walked up the steps to the alter. He put his hands on Wendy's wrist and took her right hand from Kyle's grasp. The whispers from the crowd rose in volume, but Kyle's heart was beating too loudly in his ears to make out what anyone was saying. He could pick out individual voices like his mother panicked squawking or Cartmen's obnoxious laughter, but no words.

King Douchebag reached over and grabbed Stan's arm, pulling him over. He set one of Stan's hands on top of Kyle's palms then set the other over the top of Wendy's, finally he set Wendy's hand on top of Stan's and nodded. Feeling the warmth of both Stan's and Wendy's hands against his, Kyle shook himself and tried to focus.

"K-King Douchebag, you...what is this?" The clergy man's eyes were wide in shock.

"Your majesty," Wendy winced, "we can't. It's illegal. Believe us, we checked every law on the current record."

Stan gently pulled his hands away from Kyle and Wendy's. "I'm sorry, your majesty, but I appreciate it very much." With a shaky breath, Stan took his spot back with his hands behind his back. He blinked a few times as the moisture in his eyes began to form into tears.

King Douchebag narrowed his eyes. He then spun around and lifted his hand. Silence spilled across the room. He took a breath and spoke in an all commanding boom, "How archaic a law must be to deny those who are in love the gift of a life together in the eyes of the church and state. And thus, I, Dominique Douchebag, Dragonborn and King of all the Kingdom's and Lands of Zaron decree these laws be unjust and thus to be struck down. From now on, regardless of status, of gender, of race, if two or more adults are truly in love with each other, then it is legal for them to be wed."

The King turn and smiled at them before he headed back down to his seat. The room seemed to hold it's breath. Kyle wasn't sure if he felt embarrassed for having his secret relationship with Stan publicized or if he was overjoyed that he no longer even needed to hide it. Maybe it was a mixture of both as to why his face was nearly the same red shade as his hair.

Then, all at once, the silence was broken when Queen Shelia cried out, "What? What? _WHAT_?" and fainted out of her chair.

"Mom!" Kyle gasped and bolted down the steps. He knelt down next to his mother, his hands hovering unsure. King Gerald pulled his wife into his lap and fanned her face with his hands. Kyle glanced back up at the altar where Stan stood, frozen with his mouth hung open. Wendy waved her hand in front of his face but received no response.

Slightly panicking, Kyle jumped to his feet and shouted, "I need everyone to please leave in an orderly and fast fashion. Th-the ceremony will be postponed until--fuck--I don't--I'll send you all a letter, just _get out!_ " He knew he was being very unkingly, but at the moment, he could care less. One of his lovers was stiff with shock, the other looked confused and worried, his mother had passed out, and he didn't even want to _think_ about what would be said against him after this.

Prince Ike put a hand on Kyle's shoulder. Kyle turned to his brother, expecting a frown, but instead was greeted with a very large, very amused smile.

"Big brother, this is the best wedding I've ever been to."

~~~~~~~~~~

Kyle laid sprawled out on his bed in his chambers later that night. His wedding robes tossed carelessly aside onto the floor. It had taken most of the rest of the day to get everyone settled into a room or at an inn and to try to gather some sense of normalcy after the chaotic wedding. 

There was a knock at the door. Without waiting, Stan peaked his head in. "May we come in?" 

Kyle raised his hand and made a come in gesture. Stan held the door for Wendy before shutting it behind him. He locked in before joining Wendy beside the bed. 

"I'm sorry," Stan sighed. "To both of you. This was my fault. King Douchebag saw me sulking before the wedding. I think he was just trying to help an old war buddy out, but went about it wrong."

Kyle pushed himself up. He rolled his exposed shoulders. "It's not your fault. I just...I wish he had warned me before he decided to go through with it like that. At least I could have had the smelling salts ready." 

"How is Queen Shelia doing, by the way?" Wendy sat down beside Kyle and began to rub his shoulders. She had also changed out of her wedding dress into her normal clothing, though her hair remained in the same braids that Bebe had woven earlier.

"The doctor said she will be fine. Some tea and a night's sleep and she'll be back to normal." Kyle winced. "And ready to scold me, I'm sure."

Stan flopped down on his back. "So, what do we do now? His majesty can proclaim law changes all he wants, but it will still need to be voted on and approved, which will take months to do. Who knows what kind of damage people could do to your reputation in those months."

Kyle shrugged Wendy's hands off his shoulder before landing on to his back next to Stan. He snaked one arm around Stan's neck and pulled him close before holding his other out towards Wendy. Wendy smiled softly and crawled next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I don't know what we're going to do." Kyle admitted. "but, I know we'll be able to figure it out, together."

~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> "King Dominique Douchebag" is actually Latin for 'Deux ex Machina' and Greek for 'the author wasn't sure how to write herself out of this hole without making this a multichapter she was never going to finished in any other way.'


End file.
